Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Holding On Underneath This Shroud

There's nobody in this crew that I've really bonded with yet, which is strange for me. I think that's partly to do with the fact that since this divorce started, I've become a bit antisocial -- a bit of a loner. It's hard to want to connect with people again -- by doing so, I'm allowing them to hurt me. Why give them the chance? I guess that's what "Dear Me" was all about. I know I don't need to hide away -- intellectually I know. But putting it in practice is harder. I'm noticing lately that all the songs on my "High Cost of Living" album are coming back to haunt me, with all-new meanings.

There's a big transition at this point in my life that I haven't really made yet. What am I waiting for?

I'm a very quiet version of myself. I feel like I'm going to break into pieces with every step. I'm sure these people just think I'm really boring. Whenever there's a chance for everybody to go out for drinks, I just come back to my room and sleep. Of course, I am still sick, so maybe I'll get there eventually.

Feeling alone on the road is worse than feeling alone at home.

Right now though, I'm sitting in my hotel room finishing these divorce forms. Fun. And maybe when I'm done, I'll take an adventurous trip to Walgreens and pickup some meds.

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  1. I know what you're going through. I just went through it earlier this year and can definitely relate. I also know what you mean about your songs. A couple of the ones I really like the most are actually hard for me to listen to because the lyrics remind me of my divorce and my ex-wife. We've been separated since January and divorced since April, and I still wrestle with it and still wish we could find a way to get back together.

    Divorce sucks worse than just about anything. I know that's not very helpful news. Hang on to your friends because they'll get you through it. It probably wouldn't hurt to see someone professionally once you're done with your tour. I've been doing it and it's been extremely helpful.

  2. I actually think that with the last breakup I went through, the incredible amount of emotions and pushing/pulling tumultuous back-&-forthness, it felt like a divorce. There was 5 years of my life, half of my twenties invested, and it had ended. I know we weren't married in the legal sense but the pain of it all and the incredibly difficult, actual separation of the thing was about as painful an emotional experience as I can imagine, so to that degree, I can relate. It has been well over a year now, and the scar is starting to build up some resistance to the times I bump it or brush up against it. I know this is as trite as you can get, but with time things will get better, and the feelings you have now will have morphed into something else.

    And I agree with what John said. Spewing it out at a professional has been helpful for me, because I don't have to run into them at a party 2 weeks later and feel silly for dumping my innermost emotions on them. Hang in there.

  3. John and Anglochy, I appreciate your kind words. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through, especially since I still really love her. But you can't make anyone do anything.

    Professional help sounds pretty good to me. I've got a lot of stuff to work through. I'll definitely be working through it in song form while I'm on the road.

  4. I think the fact that you're writing about what is going on and how you feel about it on your blog is a good sign. Being able to talk to others shows that you are coping with it, even though it might not always feel like it. In a way posting on your blog is a type of therapy. Anything that will help you express yourself and work out your emotions will help.
    You might not believe it now, but you will be ok. It won't happen all at once, it will sneak up on you one little bit at a time. The days when a few paper air planes sailing across a band room (or well placed tube of silly putty) could solve all of life's problems are over. It's the unfortunate part of growing up.
    It's ok to still love her. Anything you are feeling right now is ok. Just remember that loving someone doesn't mean that you have to let them hurt you. you might not be able to control who you love, but you can control what you do about it.

  5. i know exactly what you mean...my grandmothers dying and im off 500 miles away from anyone i kno...theres such insane isolation to it