The Mediation That Wasn't

It didn't go well. Google Maps fed me bad directions, sending me off in the wrong direction through downtown L.A. in terrible traffic. I allowed plenty of time to get to the courthouse, as this appointment was very important to me (for obvious reasons). However, by the time I noticed I was going the wrong way, and turned around and slogged through traffic all the way back, I was 20 minutes late.

I ran at top speed into the courthouse building and up to the custody center, only to be greeted by a friendly but firm woman who told me that the mediator "was released by the court five minutes ago." I asked if there was any way we could contact her (she couldn't be too far away at that point, could she?). She said that there was no way. No options. That they were booked up till May.

She said our only option was to wait till the day of our court hearing, and come back together (Nicole and I) as a walk-in.

This is forty-five times more stressful.

I was notified later by my attorney that Nicole was indeed present on the phone (from Washington). I feel so bad that I wasted her time.

She has started updating me on Noah's progress, sending me pictures and describing his latest adventures -- which I greatly appreciate. He's able to sit up on his own, and he's walking now!

I leave you with these:

Pretending It's July

It's 2:15am. Other than lunch with my friend Jan, I've spent the entire day working. Yes, I decided to celebrate Valentine's Day this year by flat-out ignoring it.

I've finished upgrading my studio to be fully Mac, and now I'm learning Final Cut and Logic and the other eight or so programs in their respective suites. That's a lot of learning, which equates to a lot of hours staring at a screen.

My parents were sweet and dropped by with a salad, some fruit and a little heart full of chocolates. So I took a five minute break and ate. Treating myself.

But this is probably for the best. I have my custody mediation downtown tomorrow, with Nicole joining us on the phone. It's stressful, and depressing, and absolutely ironic in its scheduling.

So I'll just keep working and try not to think about that.

Okey Dokey Oakland - Hello L.A.!

Good show tonight. Billy Ray came out at the end and we played "Ready, Set, Don't Go," a tune the whole band is really enjoying. Jaime made a good observation that Miley sounds a bit like Stevie Nicks on this one; very strong. The Oprah crew was grabbing footage, so keep an eye out for that, and also Miley mentioned that what they taped tonight might be airing as a music video on the Disney Channel as well.

Now we're on our way home to LA. Everybody in the band is really excited about that, except for me. I made the mistake of calling my wife to let her know that I really would like to see Noah while I'm there, hoping that she'd be happy to let me take him off her hands for a while. But instead she was just mad that I didn't tell her earlier, cause she's working on a paper tomorrow. I don't know why I keep hoping she'll be kind and rational. It's not gonna happen. She's just not there anymore. Every time we talk, it escalates into a horrible and depressing fight...until she hangs up. And I cry. But not anymore.

I'm just gonna live my life and do what I have to do: laundry, unpacking and repacking (you never know exactly what you're gonna need and what you're not), running errands, seeing my beautiful baby boy, and hanging out with my dear friend Ben. Life is good.

The people in the band are so amazing. I've really grown to love them all. Such a good group of people. Kay and Jaime stayed up with me and listened and were just amazing and wise and helpful and sweet. I feel so incredibly blessed to be on this amazing tour at such a terrible time in my life. Despite the fact that any thought of my wife sends me into a depressed stupor, I've been very happy most of the time. God bless Hannah Montana.

Holding On Underneath This Shroud

There's nobody in this crew that I've really bonded with yet, which is strange for me. I think that's partly to do with the fact that since this divorce started, I've become a bit antisocial -- a bit of a loner. It's hard to want to connect with people again -- by doing so, I'm allowing them to hurt me. Why give them the chance? I guess that's what "Dear Me" was all about. I know I don't need to hide away -- intellectually I know. But putting it in practice is harder. I'm noticing lately that all the songs on my "High Cost of Living" album are coming back to haunt me, with all-new meanings.

There's a big transition at this point in my life that I haven't really made yet. What am I waiting for?

I'm a very quiet version of myself. I feel like I'm going to break into pieces with every step. I'm sure these people just think I'm really boring. Whenever there's a chance for everybody to go out for drinks, I just come back to my room and sleep. Of course, I am still sick, so maybe I'll get there eventually.

Feeling alone on the road is worse than feeling alone at home.

Right now though, I'm sitting in my hotel room finishing these divorce forms. Fun. And maybe when I'm done, I'll take an adventurous trip to Walgreens and pickup some meds.

The Worst News Ever

I've been avoiding bringing this up in my blog for awhile now, but the dust is starting to settle.

Nicole and I are getting a divorce. Yeah, I'm as shocked as you are. She's tried to explain it to me many times but I don't get it. At all. And I think I don't get it because there's a major piece of logic missing.

I thought we were happy. I thought we were in love. I thought we just had a baby!

She first told me she wanted a divorce in July, and since then things have gotten worse and worse. This is actually the whole reason I took the Hannah gig: to get out of town. We're still living in the same house and it's miserable. Neither of us is able to be happy in a situation like this, so off I go.