They Were Bold Before...

...Now they're just being ridiculous. Samantha and I were driving home after a long day of shooting. I pulled the car into the driveway, to see a coyote lounging in my front yard. Not just sitting there, but mocking us. He was dead center in the yard, very comfortable; settled. He might as well have been holding a martini in one paw, and a sign saying "this is my house now" in the other (do they even have paws?).

As my headlights approached him - his reaction? Boredom, mostly. He was certainly not intimidated by us or our big bright vehicle coming his way.

He slowly pulled himself to his feet and ambled towards the house next door. Samantha tried to take his picture but it was pretty dark and he was too far away for her flash to work. So she basically got picture of pitch black...and one glowing eye.

Absolutely chilling. It looks like she sighted a sasquatch or something.

Return of the Creature

Oh boy. The coyotes are back. They're howling that ghastly howl off in the distance, and it's bouncing off all the houses in the canyon, making a creepy echo. What a terrible noise.

Sounds like they just accomplished a juicy kill. Probably somebody's sweet little poodle.

Why do coyotes even exist? Diabolical creatures. And I had only recently managed to forget them.

Non sequiters

More video on the way. I've been having lots of fun going through the pics and videos I took on the tour, and it's nice to know that you guys are enjoying them too.

In completely unrelated news, I was stunned to hear that a big-screen version of the cancelled TV show, "Arrested Development," is currently in the works. I could cry. Story here.

Tonight, I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Hollywood with Ben and Samantha. The hilarious Jeff Garlin (Curb Your Enthusiasm) does stand-up there every Sunday for $1! It doesn't get any better than that. Jeff and friends Nicole Parker and Mark Marin workshopped new material and we laughed our little lungs out.

It's so good to be home. I feel so calm and rested and on my way to finally shaking this weird flu/cold/bronchitis thing.

Lest I forget their creepy omnipresence in my neighborhood, a coyote slunk down the sidewalk as I got home tonight. It glared at me. Like a warning. Oh yeah, I forgot. They own this place.

My Late Night Adventure

It's been pretty cool at night lately, so Samantha convinced me to start opening the windows to save money on A/C. The light breeze is nice, but the downside is I can hear cars pass the house when I'm trying to sleep, but I can usually block that out after awhile.

Tonight, I laid down in bed around 1:30am for some nice shut-eye.

That's when I heard it.

A sporadic rustling sound just outside my bedroom window. I listened from bed for a bit. Footsteps. Sounded human. Sounded like shoes. Sounded like someone trying to move quietly. I got out of bed and went to the open window. It was very clearly someone moving. But it would stop for a minute at a time, and then move again. It was coming from further back in the house, so I first made sure all the doors were locked, then went to the back porch. Very clear. But it wasn't in our alley. It was just on the other side of the ivy wall separating my house from the neighbor's. This would have been comforting, but all of their lights were out, and I know they go to bed fairly early. So someone was in their yard, moving slowly and sporadically.

I listened for almost an hour and it didn't stop. It sounded as if they were walking around the perimeter of the house. After the recent vandalism, I wasn't about to take any chances.

I dialed 911. They said they'd send an officer.

Around 2:30am - a wailing sound. Very disturbing. Like a large bird in pain.

Around 3:30 - the officer showed up. He searched the yard next door. One by one, motion lights came on. I thought, "those should have come on before if it was a human." He walked around for a few minutes and then walked up to my porch. He said he'd found nothing and not to worry.

As he was leaving I heard the loudest sound yet. It sounded like someone running.

I said, "Did you hear that? Just now?"

He said, "Yeah that was me next door."

I said, "I mean just now."

He said, "Oh. No. I'm sure it's just some small animals." He walked to the car and drove off.

Am I completely off my nut? Have I totally lost the gizzard? Am I insane?

So I'm sitting here now at 4am, writing this blog entry on my laptop, listening to the same extremely disturbing sounds, feeling slightly more secure but still a little worried. Probably it's not some psychotic knife-wielding lunatic, or even a pack of coyotes. But what is it?

I suppose it's back to bed. But I'm closing my window. I'd rather not know.

They're Cackling Again

And now that I know what that sound is, it's almost blood-curdling. They sound so excited, but in such a violent way...

Death to the coyotes!

Them Wiley Coyotes

After what's been going on around here lately, I decided to read up on coyotes - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coyote. This was interesting:

"In rural areas, coyotes will respond to human calls. This is most often after the coyotes have started a howling session. Playing a recorded wolf howl will make them stop for up to an hour before they start in again, probably because wolves prey upon coyotes."

They have howling sessions? So I guess I just need some recorded wolf howls and a boombox. Or maybe I can scrounge up some actual wolves.

"On April 3, 2007, a coyote wandered through the propped-open door of a Quiznos submarine sandwich shop in downtown Chicago. Animal control officers removed the coyote about an hour after it first entered the shop."

It just chilled in Quiznos for an hour?

"...Attacks on children and adults, once rare, appear to be on the increase. There were 89 verified coyote attacks on humans (55% on adults, 45% on children) in California from 1978-2003. One or more people were injured in 56 of these attacks. They found a clear pattern of behavioral changes in coyotes in the lead-up to attacks, including increased sightings around homes (an indication that the coyote has lost its fear of people) and predatory interactions (e.g. attacks on pets during daylight, chasing of joggers and bicyclists, and stalking of children's play areas - these behaviours have often been associated to people feeding them). The most serious attacks were on small children: when coyotes become habituated to people, they view children as potential prey and a running child is likely to elicit orientation and attack behaviors.

Coyotes are generally wary of humans and are easily frightened by loud noises."

Next time I see one, I'm gonna flail and scream like a little girl.

Coyote Ugly

Since Nicole's been gone, I've been trying to catch up on all the horror movies I can't usually watch. That's been fun, and I really don't get scared when I watch them. The only scary part of my night is the short walk from the studio back into the house, through the backyard, and that's only because the motion light doesn't always come on.

Well, a week ago, I was making that short walk, and I heard some rustling in my next door neighbor's backyard. So I walked quickly and closed the door to the house behind me. A few minutes later I heard this awful sound that Nicole and I have heard several times before: a cacophony of dogs fighting like their lives depended on it. It sounds like gang warfare, and this happens every couple weeks or so. I did what I usually do: I opened the door and screamed "HEY!"

Instant silence. Followed by the sound of fast rustling, like they all scattered back to their homes.

This is all normal.

I got ready for bed, brushed my teeth, had some crackers (yes, in that order), and on my way to the bedroom, I noticed that the motion light was still on.

This was not normal. Of course, I had just finishing watching The Descent, a delightfully creepy movie (see it if you haven't!), so I was only slightly expecting there to be some sort of goopy creature in my backyard. I walked to the backdoor and moved the curtain. I stared out the window at the well-lit sidewalk. Nothing.

Some more nothing.

Then suddenly, a lurching fuzzy animal stalked past the door. And then another. They were together. And they were disgusting.

Coyotes. In my yard.

I had only seen a coyote once before, crossing my street in the night from a bit of a distance. Nicole saw it too. But never in our yard. I thought I'd closed the gate...

So flash forward to a couple days ago. I was talking to my friend Samantha Murphy about these coyotes. She said that we have a real problem with these things in our neighborhood. Apparently they eat small animals...WHOLE. Like, for instance, cats, small dogs, etc.

Dude.

She said she was walking down our street and saw a poster for a missing Maltese dog, and she thought to herself..."well, I'm sure it's gone now."

This was all news to me.

Flash forward again to today. A few minutes ago. My neighbor Susie stops over. Very sweet woman. She made Noah a blanket and wanted to bring it.

Also, she wanted to warn me. She thinks some coyotes have taken up residence in my next-door neighbor's backyard, possibly under the house. She restated that they eat small dogs...except pugs. Pugs have too-big heads for them to eat. So they sever the head, and take the body.

Dude again.

And yeah, they eat cats... Oh, also -- babies. She says that they will attack a baby in a stroller, with an adult present. They're bold like that. She thinks I should make sure we never leave Noah in the backyard in a swing or something. I agree.

That night a week ago, I did close the gate. She says they can scale six-foot walls.

Apparently, since that big fire at Griffith Park that burned over 800 acres, they're left without food or shelter, so they've moved out into the streets of Hollywood. And they're pissed. They've lost all their manners and gotten extremely bold. Susie says, "when you hear those dogs freaking out, they're not fighting. They're either scared because they hear the coyotes, or one of their friends is being eaten.

I think Noah will be an indoor baby. We're raising a shut-in. Any objections?