Sunday, May 13, 2007

Internal Affairs (AKA Where Did The Poop Go?)

WARNING: This post is dense with poo. Turn back now.

When you become a parent, you automatically become preoccupied with poop. You look for it, check the consistency and color, listen for it, dream about it...We have a Poop Chart.

Newborn babies are supposed to have meconium poops (black, sticky, nasty-smelling poops) for a little while at the beginning. Noah never had these. He was laying out some nice seedy green poos his very first day. We immediately declared him Champion Pooer. (Although we did not give him a crown. If we did, I imagine it would be a stinky one.) Since then, he's been popping out poop left and right.

When he poops, we praise him. "Go Noah! Yay! You pooped!" This can only continue for so long. I imagine him as a 20-year old, sitting in a public restroom cheering, "Yes! That was awesome! That poop rocked!"

One time, after pooping an inordinately large amount, I waited ten minutes (let him finish!), then started to change his diaper. It was really a lot of poo. A bucket of poo. So much poo. I got the clean diaper under him, and he (seizing a wonderful opportunity) squeezed out a lovely thin toothpaste-like trail of New Poo. I was annoyed, and strangely impressed.

However, a disturbing trend has developed in the last few days: no poop. This is bad. Little Noah is experiencing his very first bout of constipation. Lately, after he eats, he makes terrifying grunting noises and sour W.C. Fields faces. It's all very AARP. I'm sure it's hard for him, but he sounds like he's climbing Mount Kilimanjaro using only his pinky fingers.

We're hoping for a special little brown delivery sometime today (and I'm not talking UPS -- It's Sunday). We'll be listening for it. Otherwise, we call the doctor tomorrow.

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